My Friend Dotty

Origins: A Sick Man's Journey

First things first. I never knew my father and my mother was a penguin. When I was born I was taken home where my mother sat on me for weeks. I learned proper social mannerisms and people skills from my furry little family. They taught me the meaning of comedy and wholesome family values. When I was six our colony was attacked by angry sealions. My family was killed, I was taken in by the sealions, and a dark spawn of nature's invention began to grow in me. It was in the sea that I learned to hide my true self and maintain distance from the outside world. I was transformed in the sea. When I emerged from the waters of the coast of california, I knew I had to do. In order to achieve mass domination of the planet with the rest of the sealions, I would have to establish a powerful public identity, earn the world's trust, and dismantle the system from the inside. Soon, I will have all the publicity I need to form a collective of followers! The time for the sealions is at hand!

My Introduction: The Real Paul Reubens

Hello America! As you know, I'm a washed up children's programming actor went drug addict known as Pee Wee Herman! Most of you remember me as a loud and offensive character who lacks rational convention in communication and other vital social skills, is constantly confused about sexual orientation, has creepy fictional friends, talks to his furniture, and keeps an ethnically diverse man's head in a little box in his living room. Though I was arrested for exposing "myself" this identity is not the true face of Paul Reubens... I am actually a top Special Ops agent for a secret government group designed to protect our country from sick bastards like my television persona. I'm highly trained and have skills in tactful maneuvers, advanced combat, professional driving, and scrap-booking. If you are interested in the real me, brase yourself. This begins the long and arduous journey of getting to know The Real Paul Reubens.